What is grief burnout?

A few weeks ago I basically told some people “this is about to be a biiiiiig grief season for me. Are you ready y’all? Cuz I’m gonna have days where my battery isn’t just at 0%, it’ll be at -50%. It’ll be melting. It’ll be sparking.”

As the years go by, I’m realizing more and more what real “grief burnout” looks like - that feeling of powering through work, seasons of grief, hard days, annoying obligations, anniversaary after deathiversaray after holiday after anniversary (that looop), then getting to a day where we just can’t get out of bed.

The burnout we experience is the mental, emotional, and physical impacts of ~ rocketing ~ through those challenging times. And in a year when our grief is so front-of mind, constantly shifting, constantly being piled on top of, and just present, grief burnout is real.

In this article, I cover:

  • What is burnout?

  • How are grief and burnout connected?

  • How can you care for yourself when experiencing burnout?

What is burnout, in general?

Let’s start with the dictionary’s definition of burnout:

1: the cessation of operation usually of a jet or rocket engine ~ Merriam Webster 

2: exhaustion of physical or emotional strength or motivation usually as a result of prolonged stress or frustration  ~ Merriam Webster

“Burnout is a gradual process by which a person detaches from work and other significant roles and relationships in response to excessive and prolonged stress and mental, physical and emotional strain. The result is lowered productivity, cynicism and confusion, a feeling of being drained and having nothing more to give.” ~ writer Mark Gorkin, Burn-in, Burnout, and Workplace Griefbusting

“What happens when the magic stalls out? I grind my teeth at night. I lose sleep. I stop working out. I work while my head is pounding. I develop PCOS. I cancel therapy. I can’t keep up. I stop reaching out to friends. I hustle. I grind. All I know is work, work, work, work, work, which is more a mantra than a hip-hop groove for me. My vision tunnels and my health is the first thing that gets scratched off my unconquerable to-do list.” - writer Tiana Clark, This is What Black Burnout Feels Like

But what is the connection between grief and burnout?

We experience burnout as we ~ rocket ~ through periods of loss, then mourning, then supporting, then stress, then prolonged stress, and more. We experience burnout as we ~ push ~ through pain, and mental exhaustion, and physical exhaustion. And similar to how we navigate jobs (daily, as a commitment, and with necessary structures in place), we also navigate life.

Just like with a job, our grief forces us to make decisions - sometimes when we are in the worst position possible to be making decisions. Then we do it anyway.

Just like with a job, our grief obligates us to communicate with others (like when we get sucked into meetings that we don’t have time for or need to be in) - sometimes when we don’t want to or truly feel like we don’t anymore energy to. Then we do it anyway.

Just like with a job, our grief can be cyclical and bring challenging times back around every year (like when quarterly planning or monthly reporting comes around — yuck) - sometimes when we feel like we wanna skip or break the cycle “just once, pleeease!?” Then we end up on the other side anyway.

And then we crash. We find ourselves having ignored signs. Or we find ourselves in financial / family situations where we can’t do anything but power through. Or we find ourselves with no understanding of what’s truly going on until we’re on the bathroom floor unable to get up.

There is no shame in burning out, but there is a responsibility to care for ourselves and others as best we can.

How to care for yourself during burnout - grief-related or otherwise

Learn more about grief

At times, it makes the biggest difference to just understand what the heck is going on in your body and brain. It helps relieve pressure that you should be “better”. It can help you feel seen and heard in your struggle. And it can help you understand how to move forward or seek support when you’re ready.

Here’s a few articles about grief and how it presents:

Consider what you might be balancing - awareness is key

It’s easy to feel like you’ve shown up at this place of exhaustion “out of the blue”. I’ve said “Where did this come from!?” so many times. But when you acknowledge all of the factors that are playing into your exhaustion and overwhelm.

This wonderful article by What’s Your Grief covers the physical symptoms of grief, including (but not limited to):

  • Fatigue

  • Aches and pains

  • Shortness of breath

  • Headaches

  • Forgetfulness

  • Inability to focus

  • Digestive issues

  • and more…

Consider the fact that:

  • grief impacts us on an emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual level

  • planning death-related things (funerals, estate wrap-up, etc.) is tiiiring and labor intensive (mentally and emotionally)

  • you might need more support from the people around you

  • if you were a caregiver, you probably showed up to the grief party already exhausted

  • if you are a parent, you’ve got other little humans to help through their grief

  • if you are a partner/spouse/lover of someone, you’ve got another human to help through their grief

  • external factors like political climates, social climates, your community, etc. make ~ life ~ hard, on top of your grief

  • sometimes we’re just tired for seemingly no reason, and that’s okay

Put up boundaries where you can

I… Love… Boundaries. They are important for so many reasons (to protect my mental health, my physical health, and my time).

Yes, sometimes putting up boundaries can be hard. We question, “If someone is willing to help, shouldn’t I let them?”. But it’s important to be critical of what you’re letting into your life because it might be causing more harm than good, or even just no good at all. Boundaries in grief help us determine what we need, what we don’t need, who we’re allowing to provide support, and what actually helps keep us safe and healthy.

With burnout AND grief, it’s easy for people to say, “Just take some time off work!” or “Just rest, you’ll be fine!” but the reality is that these self-care practices aren’t an option for everyone. So below are a few different options for how to put up boundaries that are in some ways “quicker wins” and way less ambiguous than “take some time!”

Boundaries can come in many different forms during burnout:

  • decide who you do and don’t engage / communicate with: people who demand or ask too much of you can be overwhelming and put too much on your plate. consider if there are people in your life who you need to take some time away from while you heal.

  • lessen or streamline your ‘workload’: we all have workloads outside of the office, so consider what things you’ve committed to or have on your plate that you can lessen, rearrange, or adjust to give you more space.

  • regain control over what you can control: we can’t control everything, but there are likely a few things in your life that you can fully control. If you can regain control and use those outlets/practices to care for yourself, do so. For example, if you have control over what time you got to bed and you KNOW you need to sleep more, get more structured with your sleep routine. If you have control over what you eat and you KNOW your grief is causing digestive issues, have a friend help you map your diet or setup a regular grocery delivery of the things that make you feel good.

  • give yourself a break: sometimes putting up boundaries means letting yourself just do YOU, versus what everyone else thinks you should be doing. Netflix boundary? Great. Cheeseburger boundary? Wonderful. Sleeping in as much as you can? Bye, go back to bed.

Ask for help

It might feel hard to ask for help. If you feel like it is, here’s a few simple steps to make it feel less overwhelming.

  • A good place to start is by thinking about what kinds of help you can ask for: What you need might change day-to-day or year-to-year, but thinking about what kind of support you need in the near future is a great place to start so that you don’t have a “Help!” “How!?” “I don’t know!!” situation. Do you just need someone to talk to? Do you need recommendations for mental health support? Do you need food? Do you need money? Do you need someone to take a walk with or watch a movie with in silence? Do you need someone to workout with and hold you accountable? Do you need someone to check in over text once a month? Ask yourself what it is that’ll feel nourishing, and determine what’ll help you combat your most prominent signs/manifestations of grief and burnout.

  • Then think about who in your life you can ask: I have a list of people that I KNOW will always respond, or always care, or always know what to do. So I keep those people top of mind for when things get really bad. But I ask each of them for different types of support. So think about who in your life you can ask for support - whether they’re people who live near (can do stuff in person) vs. far (can do stuff over the phone/zoom); or people who like providing acts of service (cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc.) vs. people who are just going to be a good shoulder to lean on. Also consider what certain in your life have control over: if you feel like you need time off work, consider who in HR you can get in touch with instead of just calling up a friend to let them know you’re overwhelmed at the office. Or if you feel like you need someone to help you rebalance your routine, consider who has time to strategize with you even when you’re at your slowest and worst. Or if you feel like your mental or physical health has been impacted, reach out to a professional that can support in effective, committed ways.

  • Then consider how you’ll ask: Will you text them to make it seem casual? Will you call them because it’s ? If there’s someone in your life (a family member, a best friend, a partner) who people are asking “How can I help!?!” tell the family member/best friend/partner how they can answer those people so you don’t have to.

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